The beginning of the rest of my life...

We have a sectional. I'm sitting on one side and my 2 older girls (3 years and 21 months) are sitting on the other side counting down while standing against the back of the couch and then jumping into a sitting position. The 21 month old can't talk yet so she says, "mm, mm, mama, mm, mm, mama" and jumps. The 5 month old is to my left laying in the corner of the couch with her yaya (pacifier) and a blanket, just kicking me and watching her sisters.

I probably shouldn't let my kids jump like this on my couch and my initial reaction is to not mention what they are doing for fear I will be judged but I was reading today about how I shouldn't adhere to some ideal other people put on me, so they are doing it and I'm okay with it.

As I wrote that last paragraph my eldest was sitting on the back of the couch and said, "Mommy watch, I licked the picture". Lovely. "How about lets not lick the pictures".

Do you ever laugh (inside) about the things you find yourself saying to your kids throughout the day?

Dinner is in the oven (it's only 4pm) and has been in for nearly an hour because I was a little behind and hadn't pulled it out of the freezer in time to thaw. Of course, it's wrapped in foil so I can't thaw in the microwave. Last week when I tried baking something partially frozen it took forever so I decided to just put this one in like 3 hours early and hope for the best.

This is my life. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. I almost feel like I've just recently woken up and 7 years have flown by and suddenly I'm married and a sahm (stay at home mom) of 3 little ones. I realized today that I never had a chance to adjust to having kids. We had our first, 9 months later were pregnant with our second, 8 months after that were pregnant with our 3rd. So I went straight from surviving life with a newborn to being pregnant with an infant to surviving life with a newborn and a toddler to being pregnant with an infant and a toddler to surviving life with a preschooler, a toddler and now an infant. No wonder I feel like I'm just now catching up!

Today while taking a "coffee break" (a solo trip to Starbucks while my aunt watched the girls, like the first time I've done this in 5 months) I was reading a book that I think will change my life and it talked about how your family doesn't fit into a box. The box you thought they would fit into or anyone else's box. They are their own people and your family is it's own dynamic and how basically how you should just ride that wave and enjoy it. My other realization over the past few days is that I'm the best mom for my kids. The reason this was a big deal for me was because I think I thought almost any of the other moms I know are better moms than me and therefore would be better moms for my kids.

As I was writing this last paragraph the girls were both standing on the ottoman, Mill stealing all the blocks from Soph and trying to finish her very tall tower, Soph hit Mill with a block and Mill hit her back and I grabbed Soph (she doesn't seem to know to stop when I tell her to) and said, "okay, no more tower" and in a split second decision, took both my arms and knocked over the entire tower! Mill fell off in the mean time and started crying. I figured she hit a block when she fell but she was more upset that I knocked it over. I've tried this tactic only a few times but kind of enjoy knocking over the tower.

Not sure this is the "right" strategy but it seemed to work and since I'm not supposed to put my family in a box and do what I think other people might do better, this is what I did and it seemed to work.

For the past 2 months since getting back from Christmas, hubby heading back to work after a holiday break and me having no end in sight, I've severely struggled with staying a float. Most days feeling like I barely survived, much less feeling like I came through the day well. I've pared down my tasks to just keeping the kids alive, everyone fed (still working through freezer meals and not having to cook) and trying to stay on top of the laundry. That's it. And I haven't been able to do it. Even if we didn't discipline in a day, we threatened multiple times. I don't see how this what God had in mind... that I barely survive and am worn and beaten at the end of it. That I feel not just severely inadequate but uncertain about how to do tomorrow. Or even fearing I can't do tomorrow.

I feel like a different person than I was 24 hours ago. I feel like someone let the pressure out of the valve. I feel a little afraid about the fact that I'm just now waking up and instead of trying to get through today I'm realizing this is my life (why is this the first time I'm realizing this?) But mostly I feel like I can breathe again. Funny, the book I'm reading is called, "Desperate: hope for moms who need to breathe".

Today I feel hopeful for the first time in a while. I feel more relaxed even though my day feels kind of the same. I feel like the tension has been let out of my anxious heart.

After I parked at home from my coffee date, I sat in my car realizing I was a little afraid about how the rest of my day would go (I think I feel this all the time, with little ones, things can "turn" in an instant) and remembering the book suggested you put your burden's on God (duh), so I sat there and prayed (which I haven't done like that for a while) asking God to help me put this fear on him. I want to live like I believe that He doesn't give me more than I can handle.

2/23 I wrote this yesterday (Friday afternoon) and wasn't sure about posting it but will go ahead. I'm not going to reread it again either, so I'm sure there will be a few mistakes ;)