I should post some pictures because I love seeing people's pictures but just now when I went to find some and even knew of a few to post, the thought of trying to locate them, upload them, get them in the right order and add descriptions, seemed overwhelming. So maybe I'll add some later.
Here's the weight timeline:
Wedding - no idea my weight but was marathon training, watching was I was eating and unintentionally dropped weight and was VERY fit! The most of my entire life.
Before Millie - I think I was around 158
Post Millie - I trained for a half marathon, which I ran when she was only 5 months old (the course went past my in-laws so I stopped and nursed, messed up my time but I didn't care). I didn't really work too hard at losing the baby weight and got about 32 of my 40lb baby pounds off.
Post Sophie - I went into the hospital to induce Sophie (8 days late) at 210. By the time she was 6 weeks old I had only lost about 18lbs and felt SO icky and still in all maternity clothes. The weekend she hit 6 weeks I went to Old Navy, spent about $60 on non-maternity clothes (size 16), felt SO much better about myself, started counting my calories, working out and within 6 months had gotten down to about my pre-Millie weight. Over the next 2 months (during the holidays) kept pretty close to my calorie counting and lost an extra 14lbs. The day after I found out I was pregnant with Chloe I had lost 1 more pound and was down to 144lbs. I was SO enjoying this new weight loss and we hadn't decided if we even wanted a 3rd baby that I was pretty bummed when we found out we were pregnant again. This was also like 2 weeks into the new year and I had planned to run a marathon and just bought a double jogger so I could run all year. (Of course, I wouldn't trade Chloe pants for the world! I don't care what she did to my plans last year or my body)
Post Chloe - I gained my usual 40lbs, which was still like 20lbs under my previous end-of-pregnancy weight so I felt a little better. I was SO eager to get started on the weight loss that I started around 4 weeks post partum running and counting my calories. The breastfeeding helps speed things up too, which is nice, and I never seem to have a "supply" issue even with lowering my calories. I lost about 10lbs the first couple months, then I lost momentum around the holidays. I started up again after the holidays, stuck to it a little better and have lost about 12 more pounds. I'm within 3.5lbs of my 144 but would love to get down to 140lbs. However, I'm fully into training for a half marathon and am planning to do a marathon this year and since I'm within range of my weight goals, might try and keep my eating regular (it's hard to count calories when they are huge differences - either 1360 for a day I don't workout or 2200 on a day I do) and focus on training. The weight might come off naturally throughout the summer. The thing that's exciting is that I'm finally in the clothes I was in at my smallest point before Chloe and am hoping to finally have a summer where I'm smaller. I'm back into all my pre-wedding clothes but do NOT have the same body.
I am afraid I won't be able to keep it off. I'm also afraid it won't last long even though we aren't planning to have any more kids right now so are taking more precautions than before ;) I think I have post traumatic stress from the last time ;)
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Surprise! My kids are sinners
On Mondays my aunt lets us come over after quiet time to play. We stay all the way through baths and getting kids ready for bed so we just have to load everyone in the car, drive home, brush teeth, and put them to bed! She even makes us dinner! Speaking of dinner, does anyone else's toddlers eat hardly anything??? My 21 month old barely eats enough to keep a bird alive. At least the pediatrician is never worried but seriously, how does she get by with so little food?? I try not to think of the "starving kids in China" I heard about when I was young when I'm tossing yet another plate of uneaten food in the garbage.
Anyway, I used to go for a run Monday afternoons when Barb had the kids but now that I'm running mostly in the mornings I get to use that time for a coffee date with myself and a book and sometimes God shows up. I used to do these dates all the time when I was pre-kid. One job I had required me to take an hour lunch break but I always ate while at work so would go to Starbucks, EVERY DAY. Wow, I can't relate to that now. So even the 40 minutes I carved out for my coffee date yesterday was pretty glorious.
Last week I started reading Desperate by Sally Clarkson. Since I've been in newborn survival or pregnancy with infant survival or newborn with toddler survival or pregnancy with infant and toddler survival or newborn with toddler and preschooler survival, I feel like I skipped over a lot of the non-survival parenting stuff. It's as if I'm just now getting out of 3 years of survival and adjusting to new baby or getting ready for the next baby mode. So this book speaks to my soul and a bunch of stuff I feel like I missed the opportunity to figure out sooner.
Things like... my kids are naturally sinful so why would I be surprised when their first response to a frustrating sibling is to hit? Hello?!! Why did this not dawn on me sooner? Sally (the author of the book) talks about how her husband asked her, "when did you learn enough to stop sinning?" Um... you never do! So why would I expect my kids to act like they have when they are far less experienced at making right decisions than us adults? This doesn't mean I shouldn't teach them. But I feel like it takes the pressure off expecting them to act right when it will be far more natural to act wrong and it's the right stuff that I need to help them learn. Sally writes about how our days will tend more towards chaos than order.
Yesterday morning during my run I was also reflecting more on the idea that we are the right parents for our kids. Not someone else. I know that God knew of me before the creation of the world but hadn't really thought about the fact that he also knew about my kids. It's kind of cool (and scary) to think that the combination of me and Mark with Millie, Sophie and Chloe was supposed to happen. That our combination of parenst/kids/siblings is the BEST fit for all of us. That even though I'm not as good at ... (fill in the blank) as the next mom doesn't mean anything. I'm the best mom for my kids just by being me. But when I also think about how much I sin during the day it breaks my heart to think of how that will impact my kids. I will mess them up no matter what I do. According to the wise thoughts of some older experienced parents I know.
At the moment my older 2 are watching Monsters, Inc with their yayas (pacifiers), cuddled under a blanket on the couch. This is how we do breakfast every morning. Chocolate milk (Sophie, the non-eater, gets Carnation Instant Breakfast), cinnamon waffles or mini pancakes and a full-length movie on the couch. Because of all the things I'm realizing about letting us be us and not other families, I've decided that a movie in the morning is okay and I should not feel bad about it ;) Chloe, who was on the couch next to me is now upstairs in bed. She is my non-schedule-able kid. I may have thought I could figure out baby routines and get them scheduled before Chloe came along. She's over 5 months and I still can't figure it out! So we just flow with the day and keep the things that we can (the conditions in her bed, etc) as predictable as possible.
Anyway, I used to go for a run Monday afternoons when Barb had the kids but now that I'm running mostly in the mornings I get to use that time for a coffee date with myself and a book and sometimes God shows up. I used to do these dates all the time when I was pre-kid. One job I had required me to take an hour lunch break but I always ate while at work so would go to Starbucks, EVERY DAY. Wow, I can't relate to that now. So even the 40 minutes I carved out for my coffee date yesterday was pretty glorious.
Last week I started reading Desperate by Sally Clarkson. Since I've been in newborn survival or pregnancy with infant survival or newborn with toddler survival or pregnancy with infant and toddler survival or newborn with toddler and preschooler survival, I feel like I skipped over a lot of the non-survival parenting stuff. It's as if I'm just now getting out of 3 years of survival and adjusting to new baby or getting ready for the next baby mode. So this book speaks to my soul and a bunch of stuff I feel like I missed the opportunity to figure out sooner.
Things like... my kids are naturally sinful so why would I be surprised when their first response to a frustrating sibling is to hit? Hello?!! Why did this not dawn on me sooner? Sally (the author of the book) talks about how her husband asked her, "when did you learn enough to stop sinning?" Um... you never do! So why would I expect my kids to act like they have when they are far less experienced at making right decisions than us adults? This doesn't mean I shouldn't teach them. But I feel like it takes the pressure off expecting them to act right when it will be far more natural to act wrong and it's the right stuff that I need to help them learn. Sally writes about how our days will tend more towards chaos than order.
Yesterday morning during my run I was also reflecting more on the idea that we are the right parents for our kids. Not someone else. I know that God knew of me before the creation of the world but hadn't really thought about the fact that he also knew about my kids. It's kind of cool (and scary) to think that the combination of me and Mark with Millie, Sophie and Chloe was supposed to happen. That our combination of parenst/kids/siblings is the BEST fit for all of us. That even though I'm not as good at ... (fill in the blank) as the next mom doesn't mean anything. I'm the best mom for my kids just by being me. But when I also think about how much I sin during the day it breaks my heart to think of how that will impact my kids. I will mess them up no matter what I do. According to the wise thoughts of some older experienced parents I know.
At the moment my older 2 are watching Monsters, Inc with their yayas (pacifiers), cuddled under a blanket on the couch. This is how we do breakfast every morning. Chocolate milk (Sophie, the non-eater, gets Carnation Instant Breakfast), cinnamon waffles or mini pancakes and a full-length movie on the couch. Because of all the things I'm realizing about letting us be us and not other families, I've decided that a movie in the morning is okay and I should not feel bad about it ;) Chloe, who was on the couch next to me is now upstairs in bed. She is my non-schedule-able kid. I may have thought I could figure out baby routines and get them scheduled before Chloe came along. She's over 5 months and I still can't figure it out! So we just flow with the day and keep the things that we can (the conditions in her bed, etc) as predictable as possible.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Unexpected moments
It's late morning on Saturday. I've already done a short run (1st week of Portland Fit!). Since I have a half marathon in less than 2 months I wasn't going to try for more than the 3 miles with Portland Fit and have done SO well at getting up early but when I rolled out of bed at 5:30 this morning to top off the baby before heading out, I was so tired! I took longer than necessary to start getting ready and decided that since I've been so good and was going out later, skipping the extra 3-4 miles I was going to do this morning would be okay. It was nice to go back to bed. That's one thing I kind of like about the baby waking up for feedings in the middle of the night. It prepares me for getting up later. I love being able to go back to bed and know that I'll be up soon. So when the alarm goes off it's not so shocking as it is when you've slept through until then.
Back to my unexpected moments... we put baby down for a haphazard nap. In other words, in her bed while everyone was still in the room hanging out, not wrapped up, with her yaya (pacifier) and blanket. She drifted off to sleep with no fuss and I assumed it wouldn't last long, like her normal morning naps. But it may have been late enough that it will be longer. We'll see. She might be waking by the time I'm finished here.
Hubby likes to take the girls out for a long walk on Saturdays. Normally it's just the older 2 but last week he took all 3. This morning he decided that while the conditions were good he'd head out so he just left with the 2 older ones in the double jogger. We bundle them up, cover them with blankets, give them snacks and water and of course, yayas, and sometimes a toy and they are well trained to ride the 3-4 miles to the play area and the 3 miles back.
So here I am with baby asleep and no one else at home. Lately because I've been trying to play more with the kiddos to keep them out of trouble and engaged, I have to work so hard for time to do the regular things like laundry and food that having spare moments is so uncommon that I don't even know what to do when I have them. When I got home from my run this morning and realized that with hubby home all day I would end up with extra time to do things I suddenly realized I didn't even know what was waiting on my task list. I've given up on task lists because they just never get done.
I put in a load of laundry, decided to document my life here and am going to clean the kitchen and work on cleaning off/organizing my desk. Which, when it's clean, is a lovely place. I doubt I'll get through all of that before baby is awake, but we'll see how it goes. And I suppose I should clean at least my toilets today. And vacuum. Our floor is nasty and the toilets are getting a ring around them (that's when I know they are due for a cleaning, I don't worry about it until then, hah! ;).
Back to my unexpected moments... we put baby down for a haphazard nap. In other words, in her bed while everyone was still in the room hanging out, not wrapped up, with her yaya (pacifier) and blanket. She drifted off to sleep with no fuss and I assumed it wouldn't last long, like her normal morning naps. But it may have been late enough that it will be longer. We'll see. She might be waking by the time I'm finished here.
Hubby likes to take the girls out for a long walk on Saturdays. Normally it's just the older 2 but last week he took all 3. This morning he decided that while the conditions were good he'd head out so he just left with the 2 older ones in the double jogger. We bundle them up, cover them with blankets, give them snacks and water and of course, yayas, and sometimes a toy and they are well trained to ride the 3-4 miles to the play area and the 3 miles back.
So here I am with baby asleep and no one else at home. Lately because I've been trying to play more with the kiddos to keep them out of trouble and engaged, I have to work so hard for time to do the regular things like laundry and food that having spare moments is so uncommon that I don't even know what to do when I have them. When I got home from my run this morning and realized that with hubby home all day I would end up with extra time to do things I suddenly realized I didn't even know what was waiting on my task list. I've given up on task lists because they just never get done.
I put in a load of laundry, decided to document my life here and am going to clean the kitchen and work on cleaning off/organizing my desk. Which, when it's clean, is a lovely place. I doubt I'll get through all of that before baby is awake, but we'll see how it goes. And I suppose I should clean at least my toilets today. And vacuum. Our floor is nasty and the toilets are getting a ring around them (that's when I know they are due for a cleaning, I don't worry about it until then, hah! ;).
The beginning of the rest of my life...
We have a sectional. I'm sitting on one side and my 2 older girls (3 years and 21 months) are sitting on the other side counting down while standing against the back of the couch and then jumping into a sitting position. The 21 month old can't talk yet so she says, "mm, mm, mama, mm, mm, mama" and jumps. The 5 month old is to my left laying in the corner of the couch with her yaya (pacifier) and a blanket, just kicking me and watching her sisters.
I probably shouldn't let my kids jump like this on my couch and my initial reaction is to not mention what they are doing for fear I will be judged but I was reading today about how I shouldn't adhere to some ideal other people put on me, so they are doing it and I'm okay with it.
As I wrote that last paragraph my eldest was sitting on the back of the couch and said, "Mommy watch, I licked the picture". Lovely. "How about lets not lick the pictures".
Do you ever laugh (inside) about the things you find yourself saying to your kids throughout the day?
Dinner is in the oven (it's only 4pm) and has been in for nearly an hour because I was a little behind and hadn't pulled it out of the freezer in time to thaw. Of course, it's wrapped in foil so I can't thaw in the microwave. Last week when I tried baking something partially frozen it took forever so I decided to just put this one in like 3 hours early and hope for the best.
This is my life. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. I almost feel like I've just recently woken up and 7 years have flown by and suddenly I'm married and a sahm (stay at home mom) of 3 little ones. I realized today that I never had a chance to adjust to having kids. We had our first, 9 months later were pregnant with our second, 8 months after that were pregnant with our 3rd. So I went straight from surviving life with a newborn to being pregnant with an infant to surviving life with a newborn and a toddler to being pregnant with an infant and a toddler to surviving life with a preschooler, a toddler and now an infant. No wonder I feel like I'm just now catching up!
Today while taking a "coffee break" (a solo trip to Starbucks while my aunt watched the girls, like the first time I've done this in 5 months) I was reading a book that I think will change my life and it talked about how your family doesn't fit into a box. The box you thought they would fit into or anyone else's box. They are their own people and your family is it's own dynamic and how basically how you should just ride that wave and enjoy it. My other realization over the past few days is that I'm the best mom for my kids. The reason this was a big deal for me was because I think I thought almost any of the other moms I know are better moms than me and therefore would be better moms for my kids.
As I was writing this last paragraph the girls were both standing on the ottoman, Mill stealing all the blocks from Soph and trying to finish her very tall tower, Soph hit Mill with a block and Mill hit her back and I grabbed Soph (she doesn't seem to know to stop when I tell her to) and said, "okay, no more tower" and in a split second decision, took both my arms and knocked over the entire tower! Mill fell off in the mean time and started crying. I figured she hit a block when she fell but she was more upset that I knocked it over. I've tried this tactic only a few times but kind of enjoy knocking over the tower.
Not sure this is the "right" strategy but it seemed to work and since I'm not supposed to put my family in a box and do what I think other people might do better, this is what I did and it seemed to work.
For the past 2 months since getting back from Christmas, hubby heading back to work after a holiday break and me having no end in sight, I've severely struggled with staying a float. Most days feeling like I barely survived, much less feeling like I came through the day well. I've pared down my tasks to just keeping the kids alive, everyone fed (still working through freezer meals and not having to cook) and trying to stay on top of the laundry. That's it. And I haven't been able to do it. Even if we didn't discipline in a day, we threatened multiple times. I don't see how this what God had in mind... that I barely survive and am worn and beaten at the end of it. That I feel not just severely inadequate but uncertain about how to do tomorrow. Or even fearing I can't do tomorrow.
I feel like a different person than I was 24 hours ago. I feel like someone let the pressure out of the valve. I feel a little afraid about the fact that I'm just now waking up and instead of trying to get through today I'm realizing this is my life (why is this the first time I'm realizing this?) But mostly I feel like I can breathe again. Funny, the book I'm reading is called, "Desperate: hope for moms who need to breathe".
Today I feel hopeful for the first time in a while. I feel more relaxed even though my day feels kind of the same. I feel like the tension has been let out of my anxious heart.
After I parked at home from my coffee date, I sat in my car realizing I was a little afraid about how the rest of my day would go (I think I feel this all the time, with little ones, things can "turn" in an instant) and remembering the book suggested you put your burden's on God (duh), so I sat there and prayed (which I haven't done like that for a while) asking God to help me put this fear on him. I want to live like I believe that He doesn't give me more than I can handle.
2/23 I wrote this yesterday (Friday afternoon) and wasn't sure about posting it but will go ahead. I'm not going to reread it again either, so I'm sure there will be a few mistakes ;)
I probably shouldn't let my kids jump like this on my couch and my initial reaction is to not mention what they are doing for fear I will be judged but I was reading today about how I shouldn't adhere to some ideal other people put on me, so they are doing it and I'm okay with it.
As I wrote that last paragraph my eldest was sitting on the back of the couch and said, "Mommy watch, I licked the picture". Lovely. "How about lets not lick the pictures".
Do you ever laugh (inside) about the things you find yourself saying to your kids throughout the day?
Dinner is in the oven (it's only 4pm) and has been in for nearly an hour because I was a little behind and hadn't pulled it out of the freezer in time to thaw. Of course, it's wrapped in foil so I can't thaw in the microwave. Last week when I tried baking something partially frozen it took forever so I decided to just put this one in like 3 hours early and hope for the best.
This is my life. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. I almost feel like I've just recently woken up and 7 years have flown by and suddenly I'm married and a sahm (stay at home mom) of 3 little ones. I realized today that I never had a chance to adjust to having kids. We had our first, 9 months later were pregnant with our second, 8 months after that were pregnant with our 3rd. So I went straight from surviving life with a newborn to being pregnant with an infant to surviving life with a newborn and a toddler to being pregnant with an infant and a toddler to surviving life with a preschooler, a toddler and now an infant. No wonder I feel like I'm just now catching up!
Today while taking a "coffee break" (a solo trip to Starbucks while my aunt watched the girls, like the first time I've done this in 5 months) I was reading a book that I think will change my life and it talked about how your family doesn't fit into a box. The box you thought they would fit into or anyone else's box. They are their own people and your family is it's own dynamic and how basically how you should just ride that wave and enjoy it. My other realization over the past few days is that I'm the best mom for my kids. The reason this was a big deal for me was because I think I thought almost any of the other moms I know are better moms than me and therefore would be better moms for my kids.
As I was writing this last paragraph the girls were both standing on the ottoman, Mill stealing all the blocks from Soph and trying to finish her very tall tower, Soph hit Mill with a block and Mill hit her back and I grabbed Soph (she doesn't seem to know to stop when I tell her to) and said, "okay, no more tower" and in a split second decision, took both my arms and knocked over the entire tower! Mill fell off in the mean time and started crying. I figured she hit a block when she fell but she was more upset that I knocked it over. I've tried this tactic only a few times but kind of enjoy knocking over the tower.
Not sure this is the "right" strategy but it seemed to work and since I'm not supposed to put my family in a box and do what I think other people might do better, this is what I did and it seemed to work.
For the past 2 months since getting back from Christmas, hubby heading back to work after a holiday break and me having no end in sight, I've severely struggled with staying a float. Most days feeling like I barely survived, much less feeling like I came through the day well. I've pared down my tasks to just keeping the kids alive, everyone fed (still working through freezer meals and not having to cook) and trying to stay on top of the laundry. That's it. And I haven't been able to do it. Even if we didn't discipline in a day, we threatened multiple times. I don't see how this what God had in mind... that I barely survive and am worn and beaten at the end of it. That I feel not just severely inadequate but uncertain about how to do tomorrow. Or even fearing I can't do tomorrow.
I feel like a different person than I was 24 hours ago. I feel like someone let the pressure out of the valve. I feel a little afraid about the fact that I'm just now waking up and instead of trying to get through today I'm realizing this is my life (why is this the first time I'm realizing this?) But mostly I feel like I can breathe again. Funny, the book I'm reading is called, "Desperate: hope for moms who need to breathe".
Today I feel hopeful for the first time in a while. I feel more relaxed even though my day feels kind of the same. I feel like the tension has been let out of my anxious heart.
After I parked at home from my coffee date, I sat in my car realizing I was a little afraid about how the rest of my day would go (I think I feel this all the time, with little ones, things can "turn" in an instant) and remembering the book suggested you put your burden's on God (duh), so I sat there and prayed (which I haven't done like that for a while) asking God to help me put this fear on him. I want to live like I believe that He doesn't give me more than I can handle.
2/23 I wrote this yesterday (Friday afternoon) and wasn't sure about posting it but will go ahead. I'm not going to reread it again either, so I'm sure there will be a few mistakes ;)
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